Overwhelmed. 🙏

I’m overwhelmed with the tests and big surgery ahead of me. Everyday I’m fielding several phone calls to schedule some torturous examination in preparation to have part of my lung removed.

I’m scared, but I’m also ready to fight this cancer. 🥊I’m dreading the pokes and resulting pain. The surgery to remove part of a lung is intense. It can’t be worse than a heart transplant or bilateral mastectomy. I suppose it’s not a race, any surgery is awful.

More and more appointments are added to my patient portal. I have at least 25 tests, procedures or appointments in the next 3 weeks. It’s a fast growing cancer. In fact, my calendar has only cancer related events. Blah.

Ok, that’s not true.

I have *one* enjoyable activity planned. I’m going out of the house and to an actual restaurant for tea. My dear friend, Angee, is hosting me for an afternoon tea party. I bought a new fascinator to wear to mark the special occasion…as in I’m emerging from my home with my COVID vaccination to have fun and socialize.

I’m so grateful to my loved ones getting vaccinated. I feel safer and it brings me comfort knowing they are at less risk for COVID. Leaving my home to socialize after a year shut-in feels freeing, yet I’m also a little nervous. It feels like a first date. What will I wear?

I need more joy. ❤

I feel like I want to squeeze in all of my fun activities as soon as possible. No one has had enough joy during the pandemic. We’ve all missed out. I want more entertainment. I want more time with friends. I want anything to distract me from updating my Advance Directive or thinking about the cancer in my lung.

My friend, Tara, had me over to her patio yesterday and doted on me. She pressed flowers for me, prepared me treats and even had a game for us to play! It was truly delightful.

I will use these cherished memories when I’m stuck with needles and it will battle my anxiety. I’ll combat my claustrophobia in the MRI tube with memories of wide open spaces, sunshine and the smiles on the faces of loved ones.

Thank you for hearing me out. Good night….perhaps I can rest now.

Love,  Jenny ❤

Tara’s lovely charcuterie board, but the memory of her company is what will stay with me. 2021. Lakeway, Tx.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”        

Written by Reinhold Niebuhr